I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're like the curious george of whores
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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