This is not my ceiling
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My vagina is officially offended.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
