new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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