just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
