I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
