Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
