All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize