I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
