There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize