Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
