I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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