I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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