the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
