she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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