so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
