so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
