i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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