I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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