Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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