i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
