Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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