you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
