How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
