we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
