At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
