Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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