I hate your face
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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