Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
