I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize