Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
