I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
