Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
