glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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