Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
