she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize