walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
