My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
