i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
