just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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