I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
