Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
