You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
