he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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