My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize