Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize