How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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