my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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