Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
