Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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