you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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