Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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