So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
