my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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