Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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