You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Let's paint friendship bongs
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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