Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dicks are not precious.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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