i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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