She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize