Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
