Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
