the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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